Without You on Mother's Day

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Dear Calvin,

Mother's day is fast approaching and I am missing your more than normal. It's hard to believe you have been in heaven or 6 months now. At times it seems like just yesterday you left & other times it seems like years. The hardest part about you being gone is that all we have are memories. Your sweet smile, cute laugh, and orneriness are missed daily. You were & still are such a blessing to our family. 

 This Mother's Day will be harder than the past few years. As I see 1st time moms or moms who have had a new baby recently I remember last year and how special that Mother's Day was. I had my boys and I was happy.  You and T made it the best. Even though you didn't know what Mother's Day was yet, just having you in my arms made it wonderful. 

Not having you around this year will be different. A lot has been different with out you. Our schedule has changed, no more medicine, nightly feedings, diaper changes, doctors visits, and much more. While I would gladly take all of those back to have you here I know that God always has the best plan.  

You will not be forgotten this year or ever, we keep your memory alive and talk about you often. 

We love you!

Mom


Mother's Day use to be really hard, it was a day when I would be reminded that I wasn't able to have children and that God hadn't blessed with with any yet. I use to stay home on Mother's Day, not go to church because all it did was make me sad. I use to hide my tears and I didn't want anyone to know how much it hurt to not be a mom.  Mother's Day can be unbearably hard for those who have a desire to be a mom and are not yet a mom. Mother's Day can be hard for those who have lost a mother or a child, those who have had multiple miscarriages, or are having infertility issues.

For most, Mother's Day is a day to show our moms how much we love them. How we are thankful for giving us her piece of cake, taking care of our scratches and scrapes, healing our broken hearts,  for raising us to be a ladies & gentlemen. For a special select it is a day of memories, a day to review the memories of our moms, a day to review the things she did for us. It can also be a day of morning, morning for the mom you miss, morning for the loss of that child who helped you become a mom, morning for what has yet to come, and morning for what is gone.

Being the mom of a child who is in heaven is hard, being that mom on Mother's Day is harder. It is full of memories and thoughts of what could be. Nothing will change that, but focusing on Christ and what he does for me changes my way of thinking.  I am trying to look at it in a way that instead of asking "Why did he die?' I ask "What now? What does God desire for me to do in the midst of this tragedy?" I am going to spend more time focusing on the what am I doing, then the why did it happen.

This Mother's Day I'm going to look at how can I show T how much I love him?  Calvin isn't my only child, I still have a son living and breathing. I have a son who needs me. When I focus on what I'm missing I get depressed and it isn't doing anyone any good. When I focus on life and enjoying life with T, I am happier and enjoy life more. I feel this is what God wants me to do. I feel he also wants me to share my pain & joys with others.

To those Moms who are waiting to be moms or those who have lost a child,  life is hard and is full of trials, but those trials create perseverance, strength, and joy when you look to God to fill that void. To the girls who have lost a mom, keep her memories alive, talk about her, look at her pictures, and tell your children & grandchildren about their grandma.  To those moms who are in the midst of young children and you feel exhausted, remember it's only a season and someone else may be praying hard to have the same situation you are in.

Please don't forget those moms who have loved & lost a child this Mother's Day. Give them a hug, tell them you love them, pray for them. They will thank you!


Side note: We have finished all our paperwork and are in the waiting process of adoption. We are waiting for a birth mom to pick us to be her child's forever family.  Continue to pray for us in this journey. Thanks!

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