Waiting and Trusting

Waiting and Trusting...those two words have come to be a large part of our lives the last 3 years.  Trusting in Christ is something that has never been easy for us. We want things on our time, not in his perfect timing. Waiting on the Lord isn't easy either, again we want it in our time. The events of the last 3 years have caused us to trust and wait on the Lord in a way that we didn't even know was possible.

Proverbs 3:5-6 "Trust in the Lord with all your hearts and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him and he will direct your paths." That verse came to mind so many times during our waiting period on the adoption journey to Calvin. We knew that in His perfect timing our desires would be fulfilled. Not because they were our desires, but because he gave us those desires & we knew they were his desires for us. Our adoption journey was anything but easy, we had so many times where we had to trust & wait. Teaching us to trust & wait in his perfect timing.

Calvin came into our lives so quickly and we jumped in with both feet running. He became the missing piece to our puzzle. He came at God's perfect timing. We were getting tired, we were past getting tired. We were ready to give up. When we were ready to just accept having only one child, God brought a beautiful boy into our lives. We loved him so much, we loved him with all we had. T had a little brother, someone to play with, to teach "bad" things to, he had waiting so long for a little brother.

Our journey with Calvin wasn't easy, His heart condition meant we had to stay in the hospital for 7 weeks before we brought him home. His heart condition meant multiple visits to the doctors, lots of medicine, and a specific feeding routine. It meant buying expensive formula, lack of sleep, & long nights. It meant love, joy, and blessings. It meant a little boy had a home and we had a little boy.

He was special, everyone knew it.  I think he knew it too.  It was so easy to share him with everyone. He loved everyone he met. He would melt your heart with his big brown eyes. He loved with all he had. We did too. Calvin was our world, he was the center of attention and never had an enemy.  Waiting for Calvin wasn't easy, but it was so worth it. Trusting God wasn't easy, but we should have known he would provide above & beyond our needs.

Calvin was nothing but joy, happiness, and love. We loved him with everything we had. We gladly drove to the doctor appointments, dealt with the medicines & crazy feeding schedules, got lack of sleep for 10 months. We willingly said "yes" to God's will daily. We didn't know that is what we were doing, but looking back we realize it was.

We were told surgery was routine, we were told it wouldn't take long and we would stay no more than 7 days in the hospital. We were ready to get it started so we can get it over and get home. We were ready for our boy to be home and growing again. Ready for it to be over so we can enjoy Thanksgiving & Christmas as a family of 4.

We were ready & headed to the hospital early that morning. We spent time with family before surgery. He was happy that morning, he was happy to see T, he babbled and smiled. He looked so small in the gown they gave him. We kissed him, said goodbye, handed him to the nurses and watched as they took him into the OR. This was the last time we saw him awake, the last time we saw his beautiful big brown eyes, the last time we heard his voice. We headed to the waiting room to sit and wait. More waiting, we hated waiting. We were waiting to hear that surgery went well. We waited and talked to family for 5 hours. We waited and trusted that God would provide a healing touch through the surgeon and nurses. We waited. We finally got word that surgery was over. The surgeon came out and told us everything went smoothly. He told us that it went as good as expected and Calvin should be headed back to his room soon.  He told us that Calvin came off the bypass machine amazingly and that he should get his breathing tube out today. We waited again, waited for the okay to head to his room. We finally got the all clear and left the waiting room. We praised God for his blessings.

We got to his floor and first thing we saw was the floor social worker. We knew something was wrong. She told us that he started bleeding out of his chest tube on his way from the OR. She said she didn't know what was going on, but said that the surgeon was in his room doing surgery on him again. So we waited. Waited to find out what happened to our baby. Waited to hear that everything was fine. Waited and trusted in God to provide once again. This waiting was harder because we were told everything was clear and he did great. We finally heard from a nurse and got to know what happened. Calvin had started bleeding from the inside, then he coded. Coded means his heart stopped, they had to do CPR on him, 5 minutes later they got him back. His heart was beating again, but he was critical. The surgeon fixed the spot that split open, it was a rare thing that happened. Calvin was back on the bypass machine and had a breathing tube in again. He was sedated & paralyzed. They also made him cold to help with brain damage.  We had to wait and trust again. Waiting this time to see if he had brain damage, if the fix would hold, if he would live through the night.

We waited for 2 weeks. Waited each day for God to do a miracle, waited for Calvin to get better, waited for the medicine to work. We trusted, trusted God would provide, trusted that it would be God's will to heal him, trusted that God knew what He was doing. Waiting and Trusting. Two words that never meant so much to me as they did those two weeks.

Two weeks after surgery Calvin started getting blood clots. We waited again, waited and trusted God would heal him. Waited for the medicine to work, waited in the waiting room for 3 heart cauterizations. A lot of waiting and trusting. Trusting God in a way we never had before. Two weeks and two days later Calvin wasn't getting any better. Calvin was on every heart medicine known to help in an emergency. We heard the call..Code Blue in room 31. That was Calvin's room, his heart had stopped again. We waited again. Finally we said enough, enough waiting, enough struggling, enough. Calvin was gone. We waited and trusted and then he was gone.

We waited 2.5 years for him to join our family, he took our name 6 weeks before he passed away. He belonged to us legally! We waited and trusted, and then God said enough. We waited and trusted that God knew what he was doing. We waited for close friends to come and say goodby with us. We waited and trusted in a sovereign God who knows all, sees all, hears all. We were done waiting, done waiting for surgeries, done waiting for healing, our waiting with Calvin was over. We were now trusting, trusting with all we had that God would get us through.

That night was horrible, waiting for sleep that never came, for tears that didn't come, waiting for morning so we could move forward, waiting again but no longer for Calvin. Our waiting would be different now, we wait to see him again in heaven with Jesus. We waited to lay him to rest beside his great-grandma, we waited to see what God had in store. All the while we trusted, trusted that God would make this easy, trusted that God would provide.

Has it been easy? No! Has God provided? Yes. God has provided more than I could have ever imagined possible. Provided peace and strength during the tough times. Provided a church family who has wrapped their arms around us and grieved with us. Provided family who stayed at the hospital with us the entire time. Provide amazing doctors and nurses who did their best to care for Calvin. God has provided more than we even knew we needed! We know God will continue to provide for us in the coming weeks, months, & years. Waiting and trusting...those two words will forever be in our family. We will always be waiting and trusting in a God who will provide.

Our sweet Calvin!



Comments

  1. What a wonderful post! Trusting and waiting are both very hard to learn to do, but in the end it is very worthwhile.

    -Karina Sanchez
    (Mercifulmoments.blogspot.com)

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