2016 Year in Review, Looking Forward to 2017
2016 was a year of joys, sorrow, heartache, love, strength, emotions, happiness, and tears. A year above all years. It was a special year for us. It was a long but short year for us. It was a hard year, a good year. 2016 has been the best year thus far.
I began 2016 at Nationwide Children's Hospital in Columbus with Calvin. I was in the Cardiac ICU with my new baby, waiting on surgery to get his PA band which would help regulate his heart rhythm & breathing. I was so ecstatic to have Calvin in our family. I was at the hospital everyday, for most of the day. I was learning to juggle a 7 year old big brother who still had to do school, but got to spend time with grandparents, being 2 hours away from home, Justin traveling back & forth so he could work, doctors, nurses, and a little baby with a heart condition.
2016 started out in a whirlwind and continued that way. Looking back it went so fast, those first 7 weeks in the hospital seem like they were only a week. Those next 7 months, a blur in time. Those next 2 weeks in the hospital, seem longer than 2 weeks. The last 2 months have taken their time to pass. But over all this year has gone by quickly and I can't believe it's almost time to turn another year older. Time really does fly when your having fun!
After Calvin was released from the hospital in February we had a great 7 months with him before going back to the hospital for surgery #2. Looking back on the last time in the hospital, I see God's hand so vividly. His hand was in everything, from the rare tear that happened & caused other issues, to the strangers who became friends. Looking back, I am humbled at all God has done.
While this year wasn't a year I had anticipated, it was a year that was ended in a much harder way then it began. It was a year that I would have never asked for, but it was a year that has made me grow in ways I didn't know I needed. This year has been an amazing year!! Looking back, I have loved this year!
God began to grow my heart for Calvin towards the end of 2015, I was getting to the point of saying "I'm Done!" in the adoption process. I was going to wait until January of 2016 and then I was ready to say stop and just learn to be content with 1 child. God was using this time to grow my heart, being at the end of my rope to be willing to say "yes" to him when he brought Calvin into our lives. I look back and see that I needed Calvin as much as he needed me, and I needed him bad! God was growing my heart, teaching me to selflessly love a child that I had a chance of loosing. A child that leaned on me for more than just his basic needs, but a child that needed me for medicine, to be his advocate when things just didn't look right or when they did & the docs/nurses were paying attention to monitors & not him. A child who couldn't care for himself. God knew my heart needed to be stretched.
God knew I needed to be pushed to the limit, again. I was at the end of my rope before Calvin, I was ready to quit. I didn't want to quit, but I didn't know what else to do, I was tired of waiting, tired of being rejected, tired of watching everyone around me have kids as I dreamed of having another child. I was tired. God wasn't tired, he was just beginning. I hadn't yet learned what tired was. Hospital tired, newborn baby tired, fighting medicine tired, and going through the death of a child tired. Those are all different types of tired & this year I have experienced them all. In all of these God has given me strength for each new day. He has giving me just enough strength to get through the day, sometimes just enough to get through the hour & then he gave me new strength to get through the next hour. God's strength is far beyond anything I have ever experienced & such an amazing thing to be given.
God grew my trust in him. I had to learn to trust that he knew what was best. While I have always known this, it came to me in a new way. It became more real to me this year. Trusting Him with my child was one of the hardest things I have ever done. Trusting Him in every moment at the hospital, in every moment at home, and in every moment in Calvin's death. They have all been a continuous growth of trust. Each one a new way to trust Him. To feel His peace. To know & trust deep down in when I ask him those hard Why questions. Why did you choose us? Why did you give us Calvin? Why did you allow the tear and blood clots? Why did you chose to take him home with you? Why did you allow me to loose my child? Why? I ask these questions not in bitterness, but in trying to understand God's ways.
Isaiah 55:9 says " As the heavens are higher than earth, so are may ways higher than your ways, and my thoughts higher than your thoughts."God's ways are higher than mine & his thoughts higher than mine. I will never truly understand his thoughts or ways. I won't understand the why questions I have asked. I won't understand his ways of doing things. I won't understand this because I am not God, I will never be God. Someday, if God allows me to understand a little bit of the why's it will be a huge blessing. God has given me a new understanding of this verse and a new trust in Him,
As I look forward to 2017, I look forward to what God has in store. I know it won't be an easy year, nothing is ever easy for us. I will struggle, I will grow, and I will continue to learn to trust. I know I will continue to always miss Calvin, but I pray it will get easier. I pray 2017 brings new opportunities to share our story, new opportunities as we move forward with adoption again, and new strength. I want 2017 to be a good year, a year that I can look back on & see growth. I pray God chooses that growth to not be as hard as last year. I look forward to continuing to walk with family and friends in the journey that is called life and to continue to walk with them in the Lord.
I began 2016 at Nationwide Children's Hospital in Columbus with Calvin. I was in the Cardiac ICU with my new baby, waiting on surgery to get his PA band which would help regulate his heart rhythm & breathing. I was so ecstatic to have Calvin in our family. I was at the hospital everyday, for most of the day. I was learning to juggle a 7 year old big brother who still had to do school, but got to spend time with grandparents, being 2 hours away from home, Justin traveling back & forth so he could work, doctors, nurses, and a little baby with a heart condition.
2016 started out in a whirlwind and continued that way. Looking back it went so fast, those first 7 weeks in the hospital seem like they were only a week. Those next 7 months, a blur in time. Those next 2 weeks in the hospital, seem longer than 2 weeks. The last 2 months have taken their time to pass. But over all this year has gone by quickly and I can't believe it's almost time to turn another year older. Time really does fly when your having fun!
After Calvin was released from the hospital in February we had a great 7 months with him before going back to the hospital for surgery #2. Looking back on the last time in the hospital, I see God's hand so vividly. His hand was in everything, from the rare tear that happened & caused other issues, to the strangers who became friends. Looking back, I am humbled at all God has done.
While this year wasn't a year I had anticipated, it was a year that was ended in a much harder way then it began. It was a year that I would have never asked for, but it was a year that has made me grow in ways I didn't know I needed. This year has been an amazing year!! Looking back, I have loved this year!
God began to grow my heart for Calvin towards the end of 2015, I was getting to the point of saying "I'm Done!" in the adoption process. I was going to wait until January of 2016 and then I was ready to say stop and just learn to be content with 1 child. God was using this time to grow my heart, being at the end of my rope to be willing to say "yes" to him when he brought Calvin into our lives. I look back and see that I needed Calvin as much as he needed me, and I needed him bad! God was growing my heart, teaching me to selflessly love a child that I had a chance of loosing. A child that leaned on me for more than just his basic needs, but a child that needed me for medicine, to be his advocate when things just didn't look right or when they did & the docs/nurses were paying attention to monitors & not him. A child who couldn't care for himself. God knew my heart needed to be stretched.
God knew I needed to be pushed to the limit, again. I was at the end of my rope before Calvin, I was ready to quit. I didn't want to quit, but I didn't know what else to do, I was tired of waiting, tired of being rejected, tired of watching everyone around me have kids as I dreamed of having another child. I was tired. God wasn't tired, he was just beginning. I hadn't yet learned what tired was. Hospital tired, newborn baby tired, fighting medicine tired, and going through the death of a child tired. Those are all different types of tired & this year I have experienced them all. In all of these God has given me strength for each new day. He has giving me just enough strength to get through the day, sometimes just enough to get through the hour & then he gave me new strength to get through the next hour. God's strength is far beyond anything I have ever experienced & such an amazing thing to be given.
God grew my trust in him. I had to learn to trust that he knew what was best. While I have always known this, it came to me in a new way. It became more real to me this year. Trusting Him with my child was one of the hardest things I have ever done. Trusting Him in every moment at the hospital, in every moment at home, and in every moment in Calvin's death. They have all been a continuous growth of trust. Each one a new way to trust Him. To feel His peace. To know & trust deep down in when I ask him those hard Why questions. Why did you choose us? Why did you give us Calvin? Why did you allow the tear and blood clots? Why did you chose to take him home with you? Why did you allow me to loose my child? Why? I ask these questions not in bitterness, but in trying to understand God's ways.
Isaiah 55:9 says " As the heavens are higher than earth, so are may ways higher than your ways, and my thoughts higher than your thoughts."God's ways are higher than mine & his thoughts higher than mine. I will never truly understand his thoughts or ways. I won't understand the why questions I have asked. I won't understand his ways of doing things. I won't understand this because I am not God, I will never be God. Someday, if God allows me to understand a little bit of the why's it will be a huge blessing. God has given me a new understanding of this verse and a new trust in Him,
As I look forward to 2017, I look forward to what God has in store. I know it won't be an easy year, nothing is ever easy for us. I will struggle, I will grow, and I will continue to learn to trust. I know I will continue to always miss Calvin, but I pray it will get easier. I pray 2017 brings new opportunities to share our story, new opportunities as we move forward with adoption again, and new strength. I want 2017 to be a good year, a year that I can look back on & see growth. I pray God chooses that growth to not be as hard as last year. I look forward to continuing to walk with family and friends in the journey that is called life and to continue to walk with them in the Lord.
Wow, Lori; this is an awesome sharing of so many ups & downs experienced during this past year! You describe it so well that it is just amazing how many twists and turns can happen in our lives and you gave it great perspective constantly looking up to God than thanking Him for so many blessings, as well as the stretching which is never easy but prepares us for what is next. Year 2016 was so good in so many ways. Though Calvins life on earth was too short for our own desires, what a tremendous gift and blessing he was for us all as knowing and having Calvin with us
ReplyDeletefor those few months was a highlight of our lives.
What will 2017 bring? More blessings and stretching; I guess it's good we only experience it one day at a time.
Good job Lori!
Dad
Justin and Lori. This is really good. Not only did you discribe your journey you discribed our whole families journey of this past year. Thank you for the Blesssings! We all have had to trust God with our whole hearts this past year and for this new year. For God only knows the plan for our life and he knows our desires. As we trust in the Lord he will guide us. Love you and praying God will Inlarge your family this year. Mom
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