I Cry....
I cry, yes in this adoption journey, I cry. I cry A LOT!!!! I cry for many reasons.
I cry because I will never get to tell my husband or family we are having a baby. I do not get to surprise them with a I'm going to be a Dad, Grandpa, Grandma, ect. shirt, or picture, or anything that goes along with that first time of being parents.
I cry because I don't get to a gender reveal party. I don't get to plan special things for people to decide what we are having. I don't get to be surprised when I look at that ultrasound. I don't get to pick out colors or styles to do with my nursery. I have to be neutral because I don't know if I will get a boy or girl. Even once we are matched I don't know if that one will be ours. I won't know for sure until we can bring that baby home.
I cry because I don't get to see an ultrasound of my child. I don't get that first glimpse of them as a peanut. I don't get to watch them grow or move. I don't get to see the little hands, fingers, or toes.
I cry because it is taking us so long and I don't understand why. I know we are a strong family, we have had agencies tell us that. They say we will be chosen. If that is the truth, why not us. What is holding us back from being matched? Is it because we choose to homeschool our son, we believe in an amazing God, we live in a small town, we can't give that child everything they want financially? I don't know, it could be any one of those reason & it could be just God saying "wait on me".
I cry because I believe the lies of Satan, the lies that say we are not good enough, don't make enough money, anything he can use to make me forget who is in control. I cry because I know I shouldn't believe those lies and I should be stronger than that. I cry.
I cry because I want T to have a sibling. I want him to know what it is like to grow up with someone else to play with, to fight with, and love. I want to watch him be a great big brother (that I know he can be). I cry because I see how he loves on younger cousins and how great he is with other friends.
I cry because I don't have the strength to go on. I cry because I feel weak. I cry because I know it isn't all about me and I am making it all about me. I cry because adoption is not an easy journey.
I cry because I have been given so much grace from God. I have messed up so much. I have believed lies that are not true. I have made it all about me. I cry because God forgives me and then gives me the grace I need when I ask. I do not deserve all His grace & forgiveness. I don't deserve the son he already gave me. I don't deserve my amazing husband. But God has given it to me because I am a child of his. Because I have asked him to forgive all of my sins.
I cry because there are so many people out there just like me. People who look strong, like they have it all together, but on the inside they are crying too. For whatever reason, they cry.
I cry because I am thankful for family & friends who help me through each day. They want to see our dreams of adopting another child come true as much as we do. They pray for us each day, they have helped us in many ways from finances to support.
I cry because I know that God has a plan for me, he has plans that are far beyond what I can imagine. His plans are so much better for me than my plans. He sees everything where I can only see right now. I cry because I forget that too many times.
I cry, but I laugh, smile, love & enjoy the child I have. I love that we homeschool because if he is the only child God gives me, then I get to spend lots of extra time with him. I love the person he is becoming, even if it is all too often like his dad. :) I enjoy being his mom & watching him grow. While he is getting too big too fast, I take it in and relish in it. Just like Mary, Jesus' mother, I try to keep all these things in my heart.
I cry because I will never get to tell my husband or family we are having a baby. I do not get to surprise them with a I'm going to be a Dad, Grandpa, Grandma, ect. shirt, or picture, or anything that goes along with that first time of being parents.
I cry because I don't get to a gender reveal party. I don't get to plan special things for people to decide what we are having. I don't get to be surprised when I look at that ultrasound. I don't get to pick out colors or styles to do with my nursery. I have to be neutral because I don't know if I will get a boy or girl. Even once we are matched I don't know if that one will be ours. I won't know for sure until we can bring that baby home.
I cry because I don't get to see an ultrasound of my child. I don't get that first glimpse of them as a peanut. I don't get to watch them grow or move. I don't get to see the little hands, fingers, or toes.
I cry because it is taking us so long and I don't understand why. I know we are a strong family, we have had agencies tell us that. They say we will be chosen. If that is the truth, why not us. What is holding us back from being matched? Is it because we choose to homeschool our son, we believe in an amazing God, we live in a small town, we can't give that child everything they want financially? I don't know, it could be any one of those reason & it could be just God saying "wait on me".
I cry because I believe the lies of Satan, the lies that say we are not good enough, don't make enough money, anything he can use to make me forget who is in control. I cry because I know I shouldn't believe those lies and I should be stronger than that. I cry.
I cry because I want T to have a sibling. I want him to know what it is like to grow up with someone else to play with, to fight with, and love. I want to watch him be a great big brother (that I know he can be). I cry because I see how he loves on younger cousins and how great he is with other friends.
I cry because I don't have the strength to go on. I cry because I feel weak. I cry because I know it isn't all about me and I am making it all about me. I cry because adoption is not an easy journey.
I cry because I have been given so much grace from God. I have messed up so much. I have believed lies that are not true. I have made it all about me. I cry because God forgives me and then gives me the grace I need when I ask. I do not deserve all His grace & forgiveness. I don't deserve the son he already gave me. I don't deserve my amazing husband. But God has given it to me because I am a child of his. Because I have asked him to forgive all of my sins.
I cry because there are so many people out there just like me. People who look strong, like they have it all together, but on the inside they are crying too. For whatever reason, they cry.
I cry because I am thankful for family & friends who help me through each day. They want to see our dreams of adopting another child come true as much as we do. They pray for us each day, they have helped us in many ways from finances to support.
I cry because I know that God has a plan for me, he has plans that are far beyond what I can imagine. His plans are so much better for me than my plans. He sees everything where I can only see right now. I cry because I forget that too many times.
I cry, but I laugh, smile, love & enjoy the child I have. I love that we homeschool because if he is the only child God gives me, then I get to spend lots of extra time with him. I love the person he is becoming, even if it is all too often like his dad. :) I enjoy being his mom & watching him grow. While he is getting too big too fast, I take it in and relish in it. Just like Mary, Jesus' mother, I try to keep all these things in my heart.
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